Sunday, May 01, 2005
So I suppose it is just another phase. To want to recede from everything and totally take a different course in life. This summer I plan to pack many of my things and give them to my mother. She can keep them or sell them. She seems to want to hold onto them, but I do not. My body is tired and although I do not wish to leave this world anytime soon, it is weary from the material confines of it. Since I feel there is some purpose here for me to complete, my only option left is to try to alleviate the feelings I have. Perhaps if I do this, I can better see my life and what it is I came here to do. It has become very frustrating of late that my physical body is having one major difficulty after another forcing me to spend less time on the things I most enjoy.
I realize how different I truly was as a child. Peer pressure was almost non-existant. I was handed a joint on three occasions and passed it on without a second thought. And I always seem to be there when someone needs to cry. Although I am happy to help people, it is draining me to the point of emotional exhaustion. I have tried to meditate and block and although it helps, it does not stop it. Lately I have not being doing it--which I know I should. I shall have to start again as I am finding I am short with people who are lazy or lack common sense. I seem to have little tolerance of the petty bullshit that goes on in most of the lives around me. It's amazing what I don't know that's going on, or the things that should bother me that don't. Someone being upset because of a break-up doesn't bother me, but the mother who is a bitch to me and has a mentally disabled child makes me want to cry. Not necessarily because she hurt my feelings, but more because I think as I walk back to the kitchen how much pain she is in. Both are experiencing pain, so why is it one bothers me more than the other. Suffering is suffering.
Somehow I am attracting a negativity to me that I do not like, but I am unsure how to fix it. I have an overwhelming feeling of being alone and although I don't think about it much, it's always there. I'm not really lonely, but I'm not really happy either. Some days I want to just cry, but no tears come. It is like I can cry for others, but not myself. It is like I have nothing to cry for. I know I will be okay and that is enough, but at the same time why can't I be happy with that? What is it that I am missing inside myself that is preventing me from truly accepting happiness? Anymore I'm too tired to think on much of anything save what has to be done. This isn't the life I came here to live and this isn't the life I want to lead. I am trying to change it, bit by bit but the problem is I don't really know where I'm going.
I feel myself moving to new friends and losing interest in old ones. I'm not quite sure what to think as I know it is part of a process but at the same time it is unsettling to me. I feel as if I'm missing someone, but I don't know who. I suppose a feeling of things making sense can't last forever...in order to grow we must continue to go forth and change. Still, did I have to choose to have so many changes at once? And why do I feel I am mourning something? *sigh* It could always be worse...
Posted at 12:10 am by akikodomo
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Some time ago I felt like I was overflowing with energy. It was so bad I dropped to the floor and put my palms down on it. It felt as if energy was pooling out and I was sinking through the floor. Well, last night something similar happened again. Except this timeI was more disoriented. My hands weren't as warm, but it felt like I was in two worlds. Like where I see one superimposed over this one. I had started to feel odd after I watched the news and saw about the pope. I prayed and later I lit a white candle and prayed. I went to a chat room and immediately wanted to ask a specific person it the room, but there was no way to send an individual message, so I just asked everyone about what I was feeling, wondering if it was connected. Of course they all asked if I knew how to ground. I felt kind of bad because I didn't want to just say no that won't work, but...hehe, I have such a damned hard time with grounding. Nothing seems to work. After they came to the conclusion that it wasn't just grounding, this person said she thought I needed to make energy balls and that it was from excess energy I needed to send out. Since I saw something on TV, she suggested sending it to the people I felt needed it. So I tried that. I placed my hands in front of me and visualized the energy coming from within me to form a ball of light and then I saw it go over the seas to those in the Vatican and then another to those in the islands that were hit by the earthquake. I visualized it covering all the people and land. I did feel much more grounded after that. Felt a little odd as I'm not used to it.
I dunno, I was thinking about it today. I wonder if something's changing again, or if I'm preparing for something else. I'm trying so hard to be the person I feel inside, but it's difficult not to try to live up to expectations and ideals. Is it just another shift in my life path or is it something more? I seem to be more contemplative since surgery. Is odd, it's like I just want to be at home and think, and yet this place doesn't feel like home. I physically healed very quickly from the surgery...in fact I was eating steak that night, but it's like inside I became more pensive on life. I dunno...
Posted at 09:38 pm by akikodomo
Friday, April 01, 2005
I light a white candle and as I kneel to pray, the flame is totally still. I pray for a soul to be released of suffering and find its way home. I pray for the world to keep the lessons and love in their hearts and continue those teachings. I pray for the soul to finally find peace and free itself of a mere human body and realize its full potential; to finally become one with the universal love that surrounds us all. May that love surround those that only feel pain and loss and comfort them proving that love is never destroyed. May the healing work that was started continue and bring this world into a future of peace inspired by his love.
Posted at 10:00 pm by akikodomo
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Lately I have felt the overwhelming need to research grids and something about the number 5. I have also felt very strongly that I am here for a reason and it is important that I find out why. I haven't quite figured it out, but I did end up having a rather interesting meditation. One thing that made this meditation so different was it seemed so closely directed at my life and not in general terms. It also came through so clearly and strongly, as if they were literally right next to me having a conversation in my mind.
is like a guy in white holding out his hand
he is floating upward...blue eyes I think
water and waves
I feel pulled to right as if there is emptiness to my left.
there is also warmth to right
is night sky now
looks like something from a native american setting.
is like a fire, but open sky...kinda sparse land tho
like southwest with lizards and gekos, etc.
someone--isn't clear what person looks like--takes hands and puts behind my head...up from bottom and pust them on back and pulls me forward to rest forehead against his
his eys are closed
is like he cries
no more pain
I reach out to touch tree with gloved hand...dunno why its gloved
can't feel its heart
they are asleep
how do I wake them up?
have seed within
is like the sun is cold
star is cold
is on left
sea waves and whwite robes blowing in wind
gold crest in hair
on edge of sea
like I reach up to stars and literally feal at home
stars are there
like all stars r there
is this atlantis?
as once was
is like am watwching city
am there and yet not
know what will happen
dreams ar e strong
fall into water
earht beneath feete
book of ages/life
angles of freedom? wings and feathers
book has indigo eyes bright violet eyes
looking at me
from soul whines thru you
look to it for guidance and love
is only path u will find for u
please know life is liove
understand me as I am you
iner seflf reminds u to understand life purpose
grids are near compelteion and ready
what do I do with grids?
love light show thruogh them
look, see understand
live life and see
rain falls through but light remains
beacon of light
to steer others away and claer direction
find peace in self and freedome
love self and let go of life
return to who you once were and see
I know you
book is fading
lve light swhispers.
am I finished?
yes. for now
ranbow lines come to u
deep sleep patersn change
light wake up
sleep no more awake
touch sky stars/spirits/wind(is a creature)
then know way
angels fly u there
open eyes waking dream
we go no where
u noever really alone
full of flie and love and energy
come to ue
free it from heart
let it out on others
am stading watching waves agin in whtie dress thing
white robe for reason
burned on palce
old wars familar song
see now, so weary
live free and release
hold onto nothing for tnohign is real
all is afke illusion
love is real
let come messages of youth an dlife
bring knowledg eo fold to world and release
live in freedome
i see a baby with blue eyes and smailing face....think he blond
children know you
(think in refernce to children I see at restuarant)
see life thru child eyes
stay in self
never lose sight of here
pain goes but fear reamins
see now damp dew of morning
and free self from thot and mind
love and live
rejoice in world
and lieve happily in it.
trees atlk funny
love surrounds me
young dear one
we be with you
peace to you
is almost irish soundingred hair
watch over you
tell brother he is loved
and needed in this world
he doesn't know it
yet needs your love
let him her it from ur lips
love you sensitive
is good thing
was like a flash of light and was slightly darker and now I'm more awake and rooted in this world. Can still feel them around, but not like I was.
Is like I feel two to my right, maybe one behind
not orbs, people
one stands out more
he is taller but none are clear to me
(wil be they say)
(rest now--send and rest)
Posted at 10:51 pm by akikodomo
Sunday, March 13, 2005
I wonder what this place looks like...a place I know but have never seen. I think there are two places...one with giant waves of clear blue-green washing over a crystal white city. The other place...a place of huge trees that talk and feel with their minds. Trees that see everything and remember. I think these trees also left some seeds here...to remember all that they see and what was in hopes that we may find a better future. There is a deep red sunset here with green forests all around. And yet, you are protected and peaceful. I am not sure where either of these places is, just that I can see and feel them in my heart. When I look at the stars, I finally feel at home...as if the star brings me closer to these memories and I can feel the memory just beyond my consciousness, preventing me from putting a name with such beautiful places.
Once again I start to feel as if I'm straddling two worlds...one the normal physical world, the other a world where everything is sharper and more vivid. I can feel what is beyond and within as well as just what is physically there. Perhaps one day I will consciously remember...then again, I am not sure the name is all that important.
Posted at 01:32 pm by akikodomo
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Why is it you have to devastate yourself to tear down the walls? After watching Gravitation and finding its parallels to my life I broke down. I cried. I really cried. I cried for everything that has happened in the past 26 and a half years. And now I find myself on the edge of something new...
Isn't it funny how the soul does not hold onto the pain when it is ready? How it releases it when it is allowed to? Perhaps admidst the uncontrollable tears or the painful convulsions those deep dark feelings were released. Or perhaps it was in a dream I dare not remember. I don't know, but what is left is a sense of peace and a sense of knowing.
I see the painful images on TV, I hear the painful stories in the lives of those around me, and yet I know in the end it is alright. These things do not matter, because what is important--the spirit--is never lost. And despite how much one may try--consciously or not--to darken it, its light will always remain pure and bright. Life wasn't meant to be easy, and to compare your life to another is pointless, because in the end what matters is how you lived your life.
I see people uniting to help each other--not because of one disaster, but because we are casting off the veils we claimed was our life. We are finally starting to see what is truly important...what it truly means to live. I find myself returning to who I was as a child. Returning to that innocence, that outlook on life, and that unconditional love for all life regardless of its form. A universal love that we are all born with; a love that does not faulter even when hurt. A love that shines freely from our soul.
Sometimes I feel as if I have wings...as if my feet aren't really on the ground. I need to ground more yes...I need to spend time with trees. But this is beyond just that. This is a sense of finally finding answers to questions I didn't know I had. And finding the patience to the ones that remain unanswered. There is no longer fear in who I am...I simply am.
Posted at 10:59 pm by akikodomo
Friday, December 17, 2004
**NOTE: In recent discussions I have concluded I was not clear in this post. It does NOT refer to those who seek to remain victims or who like the attention it brings. It refers to normal everyday people leading normal everday lives with normal--or not so normal--crap happening to them.**
Hmm...this fascinates me how people can talk in circles over and over and over, never stopping but at the same time claiming it helps. This often happens when people are talking about "giving their power away." Many claim that holding onto pain, negativity, etc is giving their power away to others while only hurting themselves. While I agree that you have to release this negativity, I do not agree with the fact that they say you have to forgive and forget.
Release, forgive them and move on, yes. Don't dwell on it. However, if you do just this, you are setting yourself up to have the same thing happen again. You have to believe in who you are and love yourself enough to say "no, this isn't right." and walk away. But if you always forgive and forget, you won't remember what has happened and will end up in the same cycle you were in before. Being a loving, forgiving, caring person doesn't mean you're a doormat. Forgiveness is not the answer to everytime you feel bad; sometimes you just need to express the emotion and release it.
Sometimes things happen that are NOT right, they are NOT positive. And it is not always your fault that they occurred. However, it is your responsibility as to how you handle the situation. You can release it and move on, or wallow in self-pity and depression, or you can completely forget about it ever happening. It seems logical to me to want to deal with it and move on so that you can be happy. You can forgive and not forget, you can forgive and learn for the future.
Another thing that pisses me off about this topic is when people say you are responsible for your own emotions, actions, etc. Ok, let's think about this...someone hurts you and you get upset. Now, according to this theory, it is your fault you were hurt and it is your fault you are upset. Hmm....I think that's bullshit. I'm not saying poor poor you, no, get off your butt, express the emotions and move on. That's life. However, YOU are not responsible for what others do. YOU are not responsible for what you feel. In fact, I beleieve we cannot help what we feel, we can only help what we choose to do and think on the situation. Look at love. You do not choose to love, you feel it regardless, even if you try to deny it, you still feel it. Even if you don't want to or convince yourself you can't, you do--you can't help it.
Also, they talk about giving your power away by complaining, crying, etc. While I agree if a person does only this and does not move on, I totally disagree that you should not be upset at all. That's ridiculous. You have to deal with the emotions to release them. There is no magic wand, you have to feel the emotions and live through it.
Another thing I read was about knowledge that you don't use is useless. Now, here's my thing...if you know something it affects every single thing in your life, so how can you not use it? I speak three languages, I don't actively speak two of them all the time, but they are far from useless. I can understand and adapt to situations better, relate to other cultures better, and help my ESL students better because of that knowledge.
My final complaint on this topic is where it says you only hurt yourself. These same people claim we are all connected, part of a whole. If that is the case, how can we only hurt ourselves? Everything we think say and do puts forth the energy into this universe and it affects countless being because of it. How can you say it hurts only you? Does the child who kills himself hurt only himself? Is it the parent's fault they are grieving for the child? If you state something as a universal law or truth, you better make damned sure that it holds true with no exceptions, otherwise, it's not a law or truth. How dare these people take people who are hurt and in need, claim to know what is good for them and have the arrogance to say they are only hurting themselves and it's their fault.
Each person is responsible for their actions, thoughts, etc. and you need to release the negativity in your life to continue to move forward, but this is ridiculous. If you are one of those people, You DON'T know what that person is feeling. You DON'T understand what they are going through. And most importantly, you DON'T know who they are. Think of it this way, just because a situation could be worse, doesn't make it better. It doesn't change the affects of the situation and it certainly doesn't make it ok. To deny a person the ability to express what is inside, you are denying them the abilty to heal...all the while telling them they are giving their power away. There are people who simply want you to feel sorry for them and drain your energy, but these are not the people I am talking about. I am talking about the typical human who is having a difficult time in life. How dare you tell them it is their fault because they couldn't forgive what others have done? How dare you tell them what they should feel! How dare you tell them they need to take responsibility for it because they caused it!! There is freewill and that includes the freewill of others. I will NEVER take responsibility for what you do! It is my responsibility to help others, not keep my emotions in and let you convince me it was my fault. Whose fault it is, doesn't matter, what matters at that point is healing from the situation. Blaming yourself is still blame and it still prevents you from moving on. Take responsibility for what you did or didn't do, express your emotions, release them and move on. THAT empowers you. Remember that what you do in "helping" this person is either helping or hurting yourself and everyone in this world. If I am sure of one thing it is that we are all connected and collectively if one hurts, the rest does. Perhaps not on a conscious level and perhaps not everyone experiences it as strongly, but the connection is there none the less. That includes the earth, animals, plants, humans, etc. EVERYTHING is connected. That is the truth.
Posted at 12:24 pm by akikodomo
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Recently I had a meditation, vision, channeling, whatever you want to call it that involved something I have never encountered before. From what I looked up afterwards, it sounds like it could possibly have been my twin flame. The feeling was unlike anything I have ever felt before and I have felt different ever since. Here is an exerpt from it:
kalla: well, I'm looking at the moon and I don't want to stop looking at night sky.
kalla: but when I turn and start to walk...
kalla: is like I'm returning to something else.
kalla: is like the sky grounds me or keeps me in place where I should be.
kalla: sister...and this woman had bright bright almost glowing purple eyes, creamy pale skin...beautiful
kalla: and she touched my nose.
kalla: is weird...is like I walk through empty house full of spirits and feel like something's missing.
kalla: is like...maybe something happened to sister.
kalla: isn't clear.
kalla: and she drapes white scarf around me, but the colors swirl with it.
kalla: and she spins slowly and dances off.
kalla: I want to join but something holds me back
kalla: comes up and puts arms around me, smiling and so beautiful
kalla: is like we are opposites she and I.
kalla: calls me star child...or someone does.
kalla: and smiles while shakin head
kalla: and she gets up to go...
kalla: is ok tho, cuz I know we'll be together again.
kalla: always comes
kalla: is like we are two halves of whole.
kalla: and will rejoin one day.
kalla: if tha tmakes sense.
kalla: light dark
Just so there is no confusion, I do not mean a soulmate in the sense of a person you meet on this planet. I mean a twin flame, the other half or your soul. There is a difference. However, everything that I have read has said that the other twin soul will be the opposite gender as you are, which she is not. I have thought about it and decided it really doesn't matter that much, because I know what is true in my heart. But I will offer my views for anyone who may be interested or dealing with the same insecurity on the issue. It is possible that the male and female mean strictly energies, not human forms. In this way, the body could be the same gender, but the soul would resonate with more a masculine or more a feminine energy. Or, it could be stictly that the energies are opposite, being neither or male nor female, but simply opposite. In that case, the body could again be any gender, but the souls would simply be opposite halves of the whole. They would resonate with each other rather than masculine or feminine. Each have would contain parts of both, but would not be dominated by either.
What I feel inside is that it is a combination. It is not the human form that matters, but the soul inside. Inside the soul is not male nor female, it is simply half of the whole. There are male and female attributes to each and although in some people it may be divded more male vs. female, it does not HAVE to be. I strongly feel that the souls resonate with each other, not our views of male and female. And in the bigger picture, I feel the souls resonate together as part of the universal life energy, god, whatever you want to call it. Everything is connected and I don't really think it is male or female, a soul simply is what it is. That is what I feel...
Posted at 07:28 pm by akikodomo
Sunday, December 05, 2004
I've struggled and struggled with why I am here over the past month or so. Increasingly as I tried to figure it out, more and more people misunderstood me and misinterpreted my actions. I became so frustrated with people's limited judgements I was ready to scream. People who I thought cared, telling me I was this or that or not. I realized, they don't know, they don't understand me and they probably never will. But that is okay. Because that is not why I am here...I am not here to be understood.
Although I'm not entirely sure of everything, I am clear on a few issues. First, it does me no good to mourn over the friends I have lost because of these judgements...forgive them and let go. For example, it is never okay to intentionally harm another being, but many justify it. Even if you must do it, it is NOT okay. It causes pain, not just to those involved, but to the world as a whole. Sometimes, it's best to just walk away and not look back. You can't make others see what is right in front of them, and sometimes that means you have to painfully wait and watch while they suffer. Through their suffering they learn what you have always known, and when they are ready, will hear the words and feel the support that you have always offered.
It came upon me, and it was like I was seeing the world through new eyes, eyes that pierced through viels that some of the most "enlightened" and "helpful" people wear without even realizing it. Perhaps that makes me wearing the biggest viel of all, but I have not lost sight of the fact that I can learn from even my most slowly developing students or even an enemy. And I pray I never do. You can always learn, but it is a choice. My lesson was it was time to move on. So I have.
In doing so I have come to the conclusion that at least part of why I am here is not only to help guide others but to help heal them. I do not mean that I physically go and heal their wounds or talk them through it for themselves. It means I feel the pain and I wait and wait until they finally crash and then I help pick up the pieces and put them back together. Then I can help guide them, opening their own eyes, that they didn't realize were closed.
I realized that I feel much more that what many do, and that I have to deal with it accordingly. It doesn't matter what someone else THINKS I should do, what matters is what I think I should do. If I listen, my soul will tell me what I need to do. I am not like others, not in a bad way and it certainly doesn't make one better than the other, it just means we are different. Knowing just that helps. I could never use cruel words to get someone to see things differently, I could never try to "help them" by tearing them down. People will do that on their own anyway, but what they really need is love and understanding. Even if most I meet along the way cannot offer me that, I can offer it to them and at least, that is a beginning.
Posted at 10:37 pm by akikodomo
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
So, I'm having a bit of a hard time in my personal life lately. I had a student yesterday come to me with a major problem, one that I have to report. I told my mom I was upset about it. I haven't been responding well since I got so upset last Tuesday anyway, but now I'm worse. My mother commented that none of this is happening to ME, and I have to separate myself from my students. I told her she could tell me that when she's been in my position. Here's the thing...
Everything is connected. Even if you were not standing where the stone fell into the water, the ripples will still reach you in time. Is it that bad to care about someone? I mean, I do force myself to eat and sleep, it's not like I just sit and stare at the wall and decided to give up on life. I'm just extremely upset and disturbed by what is happening--especially since it's happening on top of everything else in MY life.
How can people be so blind and cold to each other? To just report it and not care? To not worry? To not think about it? When it's one of her kids going through a rough time, she worries, but I can't worry about my students? Why?? Because I didn't carry them for nine months? Because they aren't my blood? The laws make it hard enough to help a kid...I can't even hug or hold a child while they cry their eyes out unless the hug me first for fear of it being taken the wrong way. More importantly, how the hell can you listen to a child confide in you and you start to see the extent of what is going on, and separate yourself from it? How can you do that and still hold on to your compassion and humanity? I don't think you can.
Posted at 10:17 pm by akikodomo